Post by robinhoodlym on Jan 27, 2005 11:49:32 GMT -5
Withdrawing From benzos after a 40 day short taper was near lethal to me. The experience could be compared to military combat. You awake each day (if you sleep) not knowing if you will live or die in extreme fear. Others compare benzo w/d to a bad acid trip with a hit of speed. Either way, it has permanently affected me. To an extent, I have some sort of Post Traumatic Stress left over – fearing that the withdrawal symptoms may some day return. I never believed withdrawal could be so bad, having been addicted to other drugs throughout my life - I knew it all I thought.
I am a 33-year-old married man and father of a 9-year-old boy. I have been married for 10 years to the best woman a man could find. At first, I was as normal as anyone could be. After my son was born, I started taking my wife's leftover Percoset painkillers she got from her C-section surgery. To make a long story short, I was quickly addicted to all opiate painkillers. Over the next 5 years, I struggled with Opiate addiction. If. I started loosing jobs, respect, and started down the spiral staircase of addiction. LUCKILY I found out that the best way to curb my opiate addiction was to start Methadone Maintenance treatment. MMT is controversial, it is not for everyone, however for me it really helped.
My life started to normalize on MMT. I was no longer in the chase. In active addiction I lost mainly material things and all that was starting to come back! Life was becoming tranquil, peaceful, and in hindsight, boring to an addict like myself. I started using 1- 2 mg Xanax initially for a couple months to help me sleep. My dose increased to 4-8mg per day, not a large dose as compared to other people, but then again, it does not take much. This continued for about 5 months. I was fired from a great job for falling asleep at my desk. I was humiliated. I had a total mental breakdown. I did not want to live like this anymore and I wanted to go to the hospital in hopes they could detox me from Xanax.
The hospital I went to would not put me in their chem.. dependency unit because I was on MMT. If I were to go into their chemical dependency ward, they would have taken me off both the benzos and the methadone. I’m sure that could have killed me. I was put in the Psych ward where they would slowly taper me and treat my suicidal tendencies while keeping me on methadone. For six days they had me taking handfuls of pills.
One thing I was not prepared for was the doctor to dismiss the benzodiazepine withdrawal syndrome. One of the major symptoms of withdrawal is the mimicking of various mental disorders – which I later found out, I wish the Dr. knew this! I was exhibiting in the hospital Manic Depression which they mistook as my primary issue. It was not – it was a result of the tapering they were doing in the hospital of my Xanax. After 6 days they wanted to send me home. I felt a little better but I was still addicted to benzos (on a much smaller dose) and now also on Lithium, Depakote and an anti-psychotic drug that started with the letter “R” which I cannot recall the name of right now. They let me out of the hospital without any benzos thinking I was on such a small dose of it by the time I left the hospital that I would not feel the final step off. 3 Days later I was back in the hospital with severe withdrawal. They prescribed me 30 1 mg of Klonopin and told me to go to a 30-day treatment place. The Dr. conceded that the hospital’s facility wasn't made for benzo addicts who required long-term treatment. I wish he told me that before, it could have saved me $16,000.00 for the six day “faux-detox”. I could not go to a thirty day treatment facility - I was nearly broke. With 30 pills, I decided to do a withdrawal regimen by myself. It lasted 40 days going from 2mg of Klonopin all the way down to .25 mg. It was uneventful – almost easy - My last dose was a proud day - Dec. 19, 2003. I felt I had this licked. A day later, I had a weird feeling of Claustrophobia. The 2nd day in addition to Claustrophobia, I felt pangs of anxiety. By the third day, I felt like there were maggots in my brain trying to split my connection completely from reality. It was the worst feeling of insanity, anxiety, combined with mild hallucinations. By the 6th day, it was Christmas Eve. God gave me a small present and allowed me to feel almost normal for the eve and Christmas day. I even went over to my sister's house to celebrate. I felt I was through the worst. Nobody told me the withdrawal would come back. It did and worse. I had full-blown panic attacks everyday. I had such bad nocturnal muscle spasms I could not sleep. I wanted to go to the hospital so they could knock me out - but then I knew they would just give me benzos and I would just delay the inevitable - NO! I had to go through this even if I had to swallow razor blades. The next 4 months it was bad - hard to describe. Some how though, I was always able to hide the pain from my son enough that he did not have a clue as to what was going on in my mind - I could not let him see daddy going crazy! I sure let my wife see it, I mean, I could only fake it so much. I just existed, dreading each day, each hour, each minute.
During my four months of intense withdrawal symptoms, I had what I know understand are called “windows” or periods of normalcy. I would feel 100% better – confident the w/d was over. This happened about 4 times during the 4 months lasting from 2 – 7 days each. It was more like a cruel joke since the windows were followed by worsening symptoms of withdrawal.
I went from 210 pounds to 170 since eating was not enjoyable anymore. I was developing weird mental disorders on an increasing level – symptoms did not lighten – they got worse. It started with the fear of carbohydrates thinking they would give me too much energy. I only ate protein. I exercised excessively jogging everyday. I felt like if I were to stop exercising, I might die. I developed fear of pills – I was scared to take vitamins, supplements, and the likes. I feared beef since there was a single case of mad cow disease in Washington State. I was still on Lithium at this point and I developed a hyper fear of that it was poisoning my body. That fear of lithium was in the forefront of my mind every second of every day. I feared being alone. I feared having family members pass-away on me. I feared getting a cold thinking if that were to happen, I may die. I even got scared of the wind. Most of all, I was really scared that this was not withdrawal any longer or that if it was, it was permanent and I forever would be with all these phobias. I had no one or nobody to compare it to. I feared to tell any Dr. about this since he would end up putting me on more psychotropic drugs. Well, the good news was it was just all part of withdrawal and eventually went away. The lithium fear was just so great that I did a taper off of that which lasted only 2 weeks and had no ill-effect from stopping it. I am also off all the other drugs they gave me in the hospital.
As I presented earlier, my mental symptoms started to morph and mutate into severe paranoia and circular thoughts. The fear was like a bad song that would go over and over in my mind. I was seeing no improvement, it was getting worse. I wished for the familiar painful physical symptoms of w/d only – not some vague insanity. I exhibited symptoms of manic depression – psychosis, acute paranoia, obsessive compulsive and debilitating phobic disorders. I battled unsuccessfully to try and control it. I could not think myself into sanity – I needed to give in and just go along for the ride I figured and hang on tight! I could no longer sleep. I got seriously concerned about things that would normally not concern me. I was losing this – I wanted to kill myself but was to scared to do it.
These weird withdrawal symptoms were confusing to everyone around me. My wife was used to the flu like symptoms I would get while coming off of opiates. They never could accept withdrawal from a drug would go from bad, to good, to horrible, to good, to worse, etc. My shrink, mother, wife, and myself were convinced I must just be SERIOUSLY mentally ill. The thought of being a hopeless, helpless lunatic fueled the internal fears that were torturing me. I could not and would not accept it. I was scaring everyone around me.
I knew the old "me" before benzos - I was hanging on to his memory, everyone else nearly lost hope of seeing the "old me" again. I did not trust my Dr. obviously due to my differing opinions. He and my family were urging me to take some medication to help. I was reluctant saying that I had to let my brain heal - He all but said this was not withdrawal any more and I would remain like this. The pain got so bad, so intense, I was willing to take steps. I got on Paxil at his request. This appeared to immediately help – I almost instantly had a window of sanity that lasted 2 days. The anxiety, paranoia, and lack of sleep came back shortly. My Dr. told me to take Seroquel, an anti-psychotic when used in small doses helped for its calming effects. It seemingly reset my clock and allowed me to sleep.
Three months and three weeks after my last Benzo and 3 weeks after I started Paxil, the symptoms started lifting, the combination of time and MAYBE the medication helped. Whatever it is, I am relieved. I am only on Paxil and continue my MMT.
There is so much advice you get when it comes to benzo withdrawal and it usually is against SSRI's. As far as taking another medication to help, that's a decision you have to make for yourself Even though I was advised not to, I did only because the pain was so bad, it could not get worse. The meds might have helped a little. I do not think for a moment that it was the only factor of making me feel better. Time and patience is the true healer .
I am a 33-year-old married man and father of a 9-year-old boy. I have been married for 10 years to the best woman a man could find. At first, I was as normal as anyone could be. After my son was born, I started taking my wife's leftover Percoset painkillers she got from her C-section surgery. To make a long story short, I was quickly addicted to all opiate painkillers. Over the next 5 years, I struggled with Opiate addiction. If. I started loosing jobs, respect, and started down the spiral staircase of addiction. LUCKILY I found out that the best way to curb my opiate addiction was to start Methadone Maintenance treatment. MMT is controversial, it is not for everyone, however for me it really helped.
My life started to normalize on MMT. I was no longer in the chase. In active addiction I lost mainly material things and all that was starting to come back! Life was becoming tranquil, peaceful, and in hindsight, boring to an addict like myself. I started using 1- 2 mg Xanax initially for a couple months to help me sleep. My dose increased to 4-8mg per day, not a large dose as compared to other people, but then again, it does not take much. This continued for about 5 months. I was fired from a great job for falling asleep at my desk. I was humiliated. I had a total mental breakdown. I did not want to live like this anymore and I wanted to go to the hospital in hopes they could detox me from Xanax.
The hospital I went to would not put me in their chem.. dependency unit because I was on MMT. If I were to go into their chemical dependency ward, they would have taken me off both the benzos and the methadone. I’m sure that could have killed me. I was put in the Psych ward where they would slowly taper me and treat my suicidal tendencies while keeping me on methadone. For six days they had me taking handfuls of pills.
One thing I was not prepared for was the doctor to dismiss the benzodiazepine withdrawal syndrome. One of the major symptoms of withdrawal is the mimicking of various mental disorders – which I later found out, I wish the Dr. knew this! I was exhibiting in the hospital Manic Depression which they mistook as my primary issue. It was not – it was a result of the tapering they were doing in the hospital of my Xanax. After 6 days they wanted to send me home. I felt a little better but I was still addicted to benzos (on a much smaller dose) and now also on Lithium, Depakote and an anti-psychotic drug that started with the letter “R” which I cannot recall the name of right now. They let me out of the hospital without any benzos thinking I was on such a small dose of it by the time I left the hospital that I would not feel the final step off. 3 Days later I was back in the hospital with severe withdrawal. They prescribed me 30 1 mg of Klonopin and told me to go to a 30-day treatment place. The Dr. conceded that the hospital’s facility wasn't made for benzo addicts who required long-term treatment. I wish he told me that before, it could have saved me $16,000.00 for the six day “faux-detox”. I could not go to a thirty day treatment facility - I was nearly broke. With 30 pills, I decided to do a withdrawal regimen by myself. It lasted 40 days going from 2mg of Klonopin all the way down to .25 mg. It was uneventful – almost easy - My last dose was a proud day - Dec. 19, 2003. I felt I had this licked. A day later, I had a weird feeling of Claustrophobia. The 2nd day in addition to Claustrophobia, I felt pangs of anxiety. By the third day, I felt like there were maggots in my brain trying to split my connection completely from reality. It was the worst feeling of insanity, anxiety, combined with mild hallucinations. By the 6th day, it was Christmas Eve. God gave me a small present and allowed me to feel almost normal for the eve and Christmas day. I even went over to my sister's house to celebrate. I felt I was through the worst. Nobody told me the withdrawal would come back. It did and worse. I had full-blown panic attacks everyday. I had such bad nocturnal muscle spasms I could not sleep. I wanted to go to the hospital so they could knock me out - but then I knew they would just give me benzos and I would just delay the inevitable - NO! I had to go through this even if I had to swallow razor blades. The next 4 months it was bad - hard to describe. Some how though, I was always able to hide the pain from my son enough that he did not have a clue as to what was going on in my mind - I could not let him see daddy going crazy! I sure let my wife see it, I mean, I could only fake it so much. I just existed, dreading each day, each hour, each minute.
During my four months of intense withdrawal symptoms, I had what I know understand are called “windows” or periods of normalcy. I would feel 100% better – confident the w/d was over. This happened about 4 times during the 4 months lasting from 2 – 7 days each. It was more like a cruel joke since the windows were followed by worsening symptoms of withdrawal.
I went from 210 pounds to 170 since eating was not enjoyable anymore. I was developing weird mental disorders on an increasing level – symptoms did not lighten – they got worse. It started with the fear of carbohydrates thinking they would give me too much energy. I only ate protein. I exercised excessively jogging everyday. I felt like if I were to stop exercising, I might die. I developed fear of pills – I was scared to take vitamins, supplements, and the likes. I feared beef since there was a single case of mad cow disease in Washington State. I was still on Lithium at this point and I developed a hyper fear of that it was poisoning my body. That fear of lithium was in the forefront of my mind every second of every day. I feared being alone. I feared having family members pass-away on me. I feared getting a cold thinking if that were to happen, I may die. I even got scared of the wind. Most of all, I was really scared that this was not withdrawal any longer or that if it was, it was permanent and I forever would be with all these phobias. I had no one or nobody to compare it to. I feared to tell any Dr. about this since he would end up putting me on more psychotropic drugs. Well, the good news was it was just all part of withdrawal and eventually went away. The lithium fear was just so great that I did a taper off of that which lasted only 2 weeks and had no ill-effect from stopping it. I am also off all the other drugs they gave me in the hospital.
As I presented earlier, my mental symptoms started to morph and mutate into severe paranoia and circular thoughts. The fear was like a bad song that would go over and over in my mind. I was seeing no improvement, it was getting worse. I wished for the familiar painful physical symptoms of w/d only – not some vague insanity. I exhibited symptoms of manic depression – psychosis, acute paranoia, obsessive compulsive and debilitating phobic disorders. I battled unsuccessfully to try and control it. I could not think myself into sanity – I needed to give in and just go along for the ride I figured and hang on tight! I could no longer sleep. I got seriously concerned about things that would normally not concern me. I was losing this – I wanted to kill myself but was to scared to do it.
These weird withdrawal symptoms were confusing to everyone around me. My wife was used to the flu like symptoms I would get while coming off of opiates. They never could accept withdrawal from a drug would go from bad, to good, to horrible, to good, to worse, etc. My shrink, mother, wife, and myself were convinced I must just be SERIOUSLY mentally ill. The thought of being a hopeless, helpless lunatic fueled the internal fears that were torturing me. I could not and would not accept it. I was scaring everyone around me.
I knew the old "me" before benzos - I was hanging on to his memory, everyone else nearly lost hope of seeing the "old me" again. I did not trust my Dr. obviously due to my differing opinions. He and my family were urging me to take some medication to help. I was reluctant saying that I had to let my brain heal - He all but said this was not withdrawal any more and I would remain like this. The pain got so bad, so intense, I was willing to take steps. I got on Paxil at his request. This appeared to immediately help – I almost instantly had a window of sanity that lasted 2 days. The anxiety, paranoia, and lack of sleep came back shortly. My Dr. told me to take Seroquel, an anti-psychotic when used in small doses helped for its calming effects. It seemingly reset my clock and allowed me to sleep.
Three months and three weeks after my last Benzo and 3 weeks after I started Paxil, the symptoms started lifting, the combination of time and MAYBE the medication helped. Whatever it is, I am relieved. I am only on Paxil and continue my MMT.
There is so much advice you get when it comes to benzo withdrawal and it usually is against SSRI's. As far as taking another medication to help, that's a decision you have to make for yourself Even though I was advised not to, I did only because the pain was so bad, it could not get worse. The meds might have helped a little. I do not think for a moment that it was the only factor of making me feel better. Time and patience is the true healer .
. But now 730am here in St. Louis, Mo. I must go help with a move. I relly think we can help each other. I`m 52 on disability and was a Merchant Marine Capt. on ocean vessels for 32 years when ever I wasn`t strung out. I`m divorced and my son 22yrs old has two and one half years left at Elmhurst U. More soon Seadog