WHY did you first start using benzo"s

[skye aka tweety]

HI ALL ,I am just wondering why any of you starting using benozs in the very ,very beginning?thanks

[robinhoodlym]

Well being an opiate user in the past sets us apart, I think many times we start then when we are in the ups and downs of addiction, sleepless nights and edginess since we were either high or in the throws of withdrawal...

Sometimes it continues even into MMT since by then it might have become a habit or that we missed the high and somtimes the benzos might aproovide a little feeling we miss...

different reasons for different people but it becomes a common problem....

[skye aka tweety]

Hi all ,I first starting using benzos ,approximatly 25 years ago!,all types, different types,but mainly valuims .I was a young teenager at the time going through a rough period of my life ,being on my own with an abusve partner, I used to be abused everday for the littlest things ,i was young and scared ,my partner was older then me by at least 6 years ,he was very vocal ,loud and a scarey kind of guy,our crew back then considered him the "LEADER" of whatever,he was a almost pro boxer ,he fought many fights ,over nonsense,he was well known to all around ,i guess in the beginning this was a kind of turn on to me that everyone looked up to him and respected him,at least i thought so,i thought well if any one was going to think about ripping me off for anything ,or taking advantage of me theyd think twice ,little did i know it was him i would end up fearing,in the beginning as all realationships it went ok,better then living at home and having to follow the so-called rules,mom set out for my sister and i...as time passed i had my first daughter at 18 years old,he was very overprotective and made that wellknown to all!,then began the real life ....i had no help other then my sister for taking care of my daughter ,and tending to the home ,keping it clean,tidy,meals always prepared ,at his request ,no matter what time he came rushing through the door either 200am,300 am, i would be requested to get up and cook a full meal,no snacks,full meals! as well as take care of a colicky daughter ,if i even dared looked at him with thoses eyes of mine as he called them ,a swat i got!,it escalated more and more,i got deeper and deeper into his trap!,til i finally went with both black eyes to my family physican,he knew ! he didnt even really ask many question more on the babys part!,wrote me out a script and there you have it my first script of 100 blues 10mg valuims,at 18 years old,mind you i did get others off the street prior to his script but first legal script of my own!`To me it was like wining the lottery after getting them filled by the pharmasist,plus i had to hide them from him,if he ever ,ever found out i was on any type of pills i would have been again beaten...it was approximatley 2 years later when ,i started to go into a sezouir ,my girlfriend was present as well as himself,i do remember kinda going into a foggy state then hearing vocies fading asking ,whats going on,my friend also knew what was up and she said ,lay her on her side,and get a sthingy we have to make sure she dosent swollow her tounge,i came to,shaking ,and not knowing who i was ,where i was,my friend then starting asking me questions,my name,how many fingers she was holding up,ect ect,all along he was freaking saying whats going on,she said listen she needs some valuim one or two even tommy!,he said no way she can wait it out,my friend tried to explain its not going to work that way!,she said just let me give her one or two,he said no !shell be fine ill take care of her...illkeep her warm with blankets,as i was shaking,but sweating,well low and behold another one came on,she told me later he was wondering why ?why,is ths happening ,in the midst of all this she had told him the whole truth,an ambulance was called,and i was taken in to emerg,they gave me oh i cant even remember i believe it was dialantants,thinking i was epiltic,my friend said no shes going through withdrawls ,they wouldnt listen,i continued to use valuim without him knowing with him watching my every move,telling people ,nobody give her knothing or youll deal with me,so it was very hard to get anything ,as people were to scared to disobey him in knowing the conseqeuences,but i can go on for along time with this story,but thats how i started from fear of him and my nerves and not getting proper sleep!

[ana2pc]

Wow, that`s a terrible story...how did you eventually get out of it, or are you still in it?

Why did I start using benzos? Ummmm....because they were there. I have had alot of personal problems over the last few years (I know everyone else has too) like I lost both of my parents about 1 1/2 years apart, my ex husband took my kids and moved to a different state, I almost lost my job of 5+ years, and then I allowed myself to succumb to hydros again. Now I am back in methadone treatment. I really do have some bad panic attacks, which is why I started taking xanax. Now I take them for that and because all of my adult life I have been taking some kind of pill and chasing a high. Now the xanax don`t make me high, but I`m used to reaching in my purse to take a pill every couple of hours. Also, taking them does ward off the nervous feelings I start getting every afternoon around 3 or 4. I don`t know if I am actually addicted to xanax, I probably am, but I don`t want to stop taking it. And I`m having trouble at my clinic concerning them. I no longer have a valid prescription for them, so now no take homes for the meth. I`ve got to figure something out to do!

Anna

[robinhoodlym]

Ana2pc - do you like the feeling fo being able to reach in your purse to pull out a pill or would you rather find a way to cope some other way? Benzos are so numbing but not only that, they cause a serious dependence unlike any other drug, almost damaging the brain... I will get some articles and post them regarding the dangers of benzos, especially when mixed with methadone...

[skye aka tweety]

Welcome anapc...Yes that is an awful story and i bet theres many out there the same or worse!im no longer in that cituation and hadnt been probably when my daughter turned around 3 years old!shes now 23 ,I had the plessure i believe in gods help there i would like to believe it this way anyways...that man finally ended up hurting an indivuial very badly and ended up in the penitentary,here in canada which bought me some time to get over his fear of walking through my door,but as addicts we tend to follow in that same lifestyle ,i stayed using as i convinced myself i needed them,for now other reasons,and on and on,there was aLWAYS AS EXCUSE TO USE!,WHEN YOUR AN ADDICT!,life gRADUALLY CARRIED ON WITH STILL MUCH FEAR,went from that to another abusive realationship ,but this time an alcholic,so i joined in ,ya know the saying ,if ya cant beat em,join em,well i joined alright !from alchol to speed to cocaine to opatites to whatever you name it i did it!,until that finally had to end ,my job as a waitress just maDE THINGS worse!,then i met my soon to be husband at work i ended up on the program left that job and had another daughter who is now going to be 12 on the 3rd of feb,until i found the signs were back ,but not on my part on his ,which in turn ended up in a permenant spereration,for 6 years now...and here i sit a seperated but clean single mom....with a whole lot of experience of the signs of drug abuse...

[skye aka tweety]

hey skeet ,i dont want to sound pushy here or nothing but if its a realationship thing ,maybe the answer was the same as mine to get away from it,i know theres all kinds of stress in life ,but the thing is we have to learn NOT to run for the first pill that will calm us down, leave that situation and do some runing, go to the gym ,hit a few balls,whatever,physical exsersize your into that cant get thoses feelings gone .... to get that extra frustrartion ,OUT~....ya know hun...i know its easier said but its all in wanting to change that old lifestlye of abuse ,no matter what type ,drug,food,realationship,gambling,sex,many of them out there we have to change our ways of thinking that usual way in which it didnt work!,and go for change,Change is sometimes very scarey i no this but we have to reprogram our minds to do whats best for ourselves and all children if any involved!,as i did do in my life ,it will not happen over night but you need to put forth the efefort in that change ,make a plan,stick to that plan and follow it through!!..skye

[dolphinldy57]

TEXTTEXT

Well I started using valiums because they were a good high when I was younger. But back then I could take them or leave them. It was just whatever was around.

The doctor gave them to me for alot of emotional problems I was having. I am also on prozac plus alot of blood pressure medicine. They used to help calm me when my blood pressure would go wacky. Plus I have had several surgeries up until last one in 99 I was in ICU for 8 days and didn't know whether I was going to make it or not. I guess just alot of crap in our lives.

Thanks, Ann S. OKC

[skye aka tweety]

Hi Skeet hope you doing ok today,and the realationships kool!,i do understand the emtional crap,but ya know sometimes that worse!!!!!!,bruises go away broken arms heal,but feelings also hurt but they stay with you longer,and they build ,and then a type of explotion happens in the brain,mind,that ends up staying with ya longer and playin tricks on ya after while,the more it adds and adds it gets real difficult at times to gt a grip on the situation,as ican at another time tell ya a very improtant story,which starting from physical ended up being emtional,when i lost it emtionally,i had ened up with an ettemted murder charge agasint my b./f ,it wasnt physical,but i flipped over enough of emtional ause and bl;acked out,.long story short so it can be a very dangerous thing ,watch out or just keep going for those walks or doing some physical excersize and get pumped that way!,believe me ,ya dont want the road i had to go down!,not worth and who knows where this guy even is today!,well i do but hes not a significant part of my life!!!!,he married the babysitter...true story ..lol..tweety boy if i could write a book about my three realationships in my life with men ,id probably win best seller,i havent even begun this is just the tip!,so plz hun be caREFUL...SKYE,AKA TWEETY

[skye aka tweety]

Hi skeet,listen my friend some words of advise....the topic about the meeting other people ,volenteer work!,ect ect ect..is a good thing!!!! but you must apply yourself and get interested in something you enjoy!,if not you will not stick with it!!!!! ..it will just be another way of looking at it as a burden,think about your interests,what makes you tic!,I can reaLATE WITH THe realationship thing ,believe me im no expert on them,but i am on the bad ones and what to stay in and what and when to get out!,and by the sounds of things yu just might be venting,which by the way is a good thing...but just do some real soul searching and see if this is where u want to be in 15 years or so,if it is stay if not make some changes....skye/tweety

[skeet]

Yeah tru tweety any suggestions?? heheh I do like photgraphy!! but ya know how duz one pass the day away now??? d**n.... i cant work i panic to much ! skeet

[katydid]

Hi Kate again!!I had to answer this one as I have a different story and altho it involves a relationship--it's not what you'd expect.Believe it or not I was given my 1st valium by my family doc at appprox.10 years old.Yes,that's true--I may have been a little older--but a KID by any stretch.I was a total basket case--living with my alcoholic Mother and my absent(always at work,poor man ) Dad.They fought constantly and I shook so bad from the fighting and abuse that the Dr gave my parents a script for the 5mg yellow valium.I remember the pretty yellow pills so well,and was more than happy to take anything that would make the horror of home easier.I started using other illicits at 12 or so,went from speed to downs(barbs),to Dilaudid to Heroin by 18.Got on MMT at 19 and have been in the drug life all my adult life--til I finally ended up doing a bit of prison time in the 1990's. Got back on MMT for the LAST time in 1999 and have been on since --AND Clean for the first time ever!! Got off of the benzos 10 mos. ago (IT WAS HORRIBLE!!! ) and have been straight ever since. Some days I am not very grateful,but when I stop and think where I could be(DOA 13 times) I have to Thank God and whatever strength I have that I finally got myself together via MMT.Thanks for listening. Kate

[robinhoodlym]

Katydid - welcome - thanks for the brief story...

Believe it or not, getting off benzos shows strength - becuz it is just so painful and weird...

Have you noticed the difference between opiate w/d and benzo w/d? I don't know if you feel the same, but I w/d a thousand times from opiates only to go back on them again and crave them... However with benzos, once was enough for me and I have no desire to go back on them let alone the withdrawal... Do you think this is true for all who have w/d from benzos that usually one good long addiction and w/d is enough and there is not so many relapsers?

Let me know if I am unique or if it is common. Also, please take the poll in this forum.